This annual workshop will bring together those seeking education, insight and hope surrounding shame and 12-step sexual addiction recovery.  This event is open to all members of SAA and CoSA and all friends of sexual addiction recovery.

The gathering is planned for Christ United Methodist Church, 8540 US Highway 31 South.  That location is in the southern part of Indianapolis.

According to the latest Workshop update, the luncheon will include Ken's highly regarded homemade vegetarian soup.

The cost is $10 for early bird registrations post-marked prior to April 10, 1999.  The cost thereafter will be $12.50 for those post-marked after April 10 and at the door.  Registration refunds will be available upon request.

If you wish to have more information or if you have questions, please phone 317-545-9783 or email IISAA.

8:00 - 9:00 a.m.         Continental Breakfast
8:30 - 9:00 a.m.         Registration
9:00 - 9:10 a.m.         Welcome - Bill S.
9:15 - 10:30 a.m.       Session 1
    History of Shame - Don S.
    9:15 a.m.    Introduction - Main Hall
    9:45 a.m.    Interaction Corners
        Serenity & Peace - Mike C.    Courage & Heart - Don S.    Hope & Desire - Dick F.    Honesty & Grace - Buz H.
    10:15 a.m.    Wide-Open Sharing Highway - Main Hall
10:30 - 10:45 a.m.    Break
10:45 - 12:00 p.m.    Session 2
    Secrets and Shame - Dick F.
    10:45 a.m.    Introduction - Main Hall
    11:15 a.m.    Interaction Corners
        Serenity & Peace - Mike C.    Courage & Heart - Don S.    Hope & Desire - Dick F.    Honesty & Grace - Buz H.
    11:45 a.m.    Wide-Open Sharing Highway - Main Hall
12:00 - 1:00 p.m.    LUNCH
1:05 - 2:20 p.m.    Session 3
    Relationships and Shame - Buz H.
    1:05 p.m.    Introduction - Main Hall
    1:35 p.m.    Interaction Corners
        Serenity & Peace - Mike C.    Courage & Heart - Don S.    Hope & Desire - Dick F.    Honesty & Grace - Buz H.
    2:05 p.m..    Wide-Open Sharing Highway - Main Hall
2:20 - 2:35 p.m.    Break
2:35 - 3:50 p.m.    Session 4
    Affirmation and Shame - Mike C.
    2:35 p.m.    Introduction - Main Hall
    3:05 p.m.   Interaction Corners
        Serenity & Peace - Mike C.    Courage & Heart - Don S.    Hope & Desire - Dick F.    Honesty & Grace - Buz H.
    3:35 p.m.   Wide-Open Sharing Highway - Main Hall
3:50 p.m. Closing and Farewells - Bill S.

Hello Fellow Recoverers:

Spring approaches and we eagerly await the surprises she brings.  No matter that we have seen her handiwork before.  There always seems to be joy in the experience.

In keeping with the spirit of the upcoming May workshop, this issue of the Check - In is partially focused on shame and sexual addiction recovery.  It is an important subject and crucial to understanding ourselves, our families, friends and the world around us.

It has been said that shame is the single greatest barrier to our realization of intimacy.  How well we cross that barrier and develop a self-affirming identity appears to be a great challenge for all of us in sex addiction recovery.

I hope each of you will attend the Spring workshop.  Together we can face this beast.  Call it by name.  Settle with it.  Give it a proper place in our lives and move forward with greater hope and serenity.  See you there.

Love and Peace,
Bill S., Editor

MAIL

Check-In Staff & Precious SAA Members:

    Hello from Sunnie the Sailer, way out here in Dakota Territory, that's North, "Way up North".  Now I'll have that song in my head the rest of this "hump day" Wed., 9 Dec 98 (ha!).  Thanks for the Check-Ins.  I have read them from cover to cover.  Excellent publication.  So great I'd like to be put on your mailing list.  Enclosed is a donation to defray S&H & publication costs.  I've been in the 12-step fellowship (SAA,NA,OA,EA), been to them all and it wasn't until I got to SAA did I find sobriety, sanity and serenity.  I have been saving my pennies since June 2, 1998.  That's a fact.  When I was on the plane coming home from the international, I took all my change, put it in my piggy bank for L.A. in 99.  I am so excited Dear Friends to see you, laugh with you, sing with you and most of all share lotza of mooshy kisses and big bear hugs.  Definitely puts a smile on my face and a skip in my step on a daily basis.
    Warmest and wonderful holiday wishes to you, your families and of course our extended family.

Sunnie,
Content SAA Member

(Editor's note:  Sunnie enclosed a $50 donation toward publication costs.)

Bill S.,

    I like your publication -- let's trade, huh?  We come out periodically, as contributions and need arises.

Tom R., Editor
The Outer Circular - "Newsletter for Southern California"
Torrence, CA 90505

Editor of the Check-In:

    Please send me a copy of your fine newsletter, Indiana Check-In, on a regular basis, if possible.  I found out about the newsletter through my local SAA group (Lafayette Sunday Evening-Charter Hospital 6:30 p.m.).  I'm not sure we get it on a regular basis through the group.  We do donate to SAA on a state and national level through our Sunday Lafayette Group.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Robert R.
Lafayette, IN.

TAPE DUPS OKAYED

    The ISO of SAA Board in Houston recently reviewed the Men's Sunday Morning Metting's request for copyright information.  The group wished to obtain the Board's approval to duplicate original copies of pre-recorded cassette tapes purchased from the ISO.
    Dale W., librarian, received an e-mail message stating "This past Saturday (1/23/99) the Board passed the following motion:

"Registered SAA groups which purchase convention tapes for use in a lending library are authorized to make a duplicate set as back-up in order to replace tapes that are lost, damaged, or not returned, with the understanding that tapes are not to be duplicated for distribution whether for free or sale."

TV SENDS THE MESSAGE

    Bill J. reports that Indianapolis television news station, WTHR-13, recently focused a two-night series on "sex addiction and the internet".  A couple of local SAA members closely worked with the station's reporter to set-up the presentation.  Several other SAA and CoSA members anonymously appeared on-camera to tell of their experiences.  The reports appeared on both early and late news programs of February 15 and 16, 1999.

GLRR POSTPONES

Ron V., our Great Lakes Region Representative to the ISO of SAA Board, postponed his much anticipated visit to the February IISAA meeting.  Instead, he will be joining the March 13, 1999 meeting.  His overall intent is to visit all active intergroups within the region.  He hopes to accomplish this before this year's annual May ISO Board meeting in Glendale, CA.  He recently wrote to the Indiana Intergroup: "You all have great recovery in Indiana - a definite model that we must learn more about so that we can spread it to others across the World."

WORKSHOP TEAM PERFORMS

On February 6, and March 6, 1999, members of the "Traveling with Shame" workshop committee met to further develop the plans for the upcoming event.  Every subcommittee chaiman shared a good report from his area.  The subcommittees and chairmen are:

• Facilities Maintenance          Joe O.
• Registrar                              Bill K.
• Food and Beverage             Tracy P.
• Publicity and Information      Bill S.
• Session I                             Don S.
• Session II                            Dick F.
• Session III                           Buz H.
• Session IV and Finances      Mike C.

HAVE PUMPKIN PATCH, WILL PROVIDE

Plans for the Fall Retreat are sketchy at this point but there is one item of business that has leaked from the current committee.  There will be a Halloween pumpkin carving contest at this year's event so there will be a need for at least 50 medium-sized pumpkins.  To save expenses, the committee is asking recovering farmers in our midst to donate a patch in their garden to help us out.  The goal is get those pumpkins planted and growing this Spring and by the time of the retreat, on Halloween weekend of 1999, they will be the plumpest Jack-O-Lanterns ever grown in Indiana.  If you are a farmer and you can help, let this newsletter know.

NEWSLETTER INDEXED

The Editor of the Check-In has published a cross-index of every news item to ever appear in this publication.  This includes listing for topic, subject, author, page number, issue date.  It covers from the first newsletter in 1994 to present.

OPERATORS ON DUTY

Jimmie T., Telephone Answering Committee Chair, reports that all volunteer positions are filled and the telephone lines are as busy as ever.  He mentions there is always a need for volunteers to do this important work.  The commitment is for one night a week for approximately 90 days.  A step-by-step training manual is provided.  If you are interested in donating a few hours a month to this outreach, you may reach Jimmie through this newsletter.

IN THE NEWS

The Statewide Newspaper Outreach Committee reported that it has compiled a list of 30 Indiana newspapers' web sites addresses.  Soon all of the newspapers will be contacted.  The goal is to have the Indiana Intergroup's telephone answering service number, e-mail, PO Box and web site address listed in all the newspapers' "community service sections".  Hopefully, this outreach program will be fully operational by the end of the year.

MINORITIES DO COUNT

The 1999 outreach programs to provide sexual addiction recovery information to Indiana's minorities are underway.  Already information is being processed from the Hispanic community for their annual Summer Fiesta.  The Black Expo Health Fair director has been contacted.  The GayPride Fest has been notified we are interested in sponsoring a booth at this year's celebration. If you have a special interest in reaching out to the Black, Hispanic, or Gay/Lesbian communities with the recovery message, please contact this newsletter.  Information on how you may volunteer will be provided.

MEN'S CHRISTIAN RETREAT

The Anderson SAA group is hosting a "Retreat on Spirituality for the Sexually Addicted" based on the book Life of the Beloved  by Henri Nouwen.  It will be held on April 16-18 at the John XXIII Center Complex in Hartford City, IN.  You may get further information by calling 317-545-9783, leave a message for Don S.

GROUP CONSCIENCE INVESTIGATED

The Intergroup has been working on the issue of its association with CoSA and the other "S" groups.  A "Request for Individual Group Conscience" form was developed.  It contains certain detailed questions regarding interfellowship relationships and how the IISAA might change its dealings with outside groups.  The hope is that this questionnaire will significantly help simplify the decision-making process.

How I might choose to
               Resond
               to confrontation...

There are the Old Ways, which did not work...

Ignore my confronter,
resist and lie
run away fearful
or stonewall deny.
Be defensive, justify my actions, blame others.
After careful (errant) analysis of the motivations of my confronter,
counter-attack, retaliate.
As last resort, skillfully dehumanize my confronter.

Here are the New Ways, which do...

Be open, take time, try to understand the complaint,
have faith in the process of listening to my confronter.
At least accept the possibility of a valid complaint
by searching diligently for my part,
looking for evidence of my flaws at work.
Ask for help or advice and agree to the truth.
Be humble, empathetic, willing to change, make amends.
Negotiate with willingness to comply where appropriate
and, on yes, don't forget to thank my confronter.

                                                        ---Rich W.

There once was an angry man who walked a very lonely path.  He has the opportunity to meet a pup that he thought would help him through his loneliness.  The small pup brought him great joy but like all pups would not always mind.  The man felt betrayed for all good dogs were obedient to their masters.  How could it be that this loveable pup could bring out so mcuh anger from this man?  What was it that the pup would have to do to make this man happy?  All seemed to fall as the years went by and the pup grew into a beautiful dog that learned to hide from his master.  For so long the man was disappointed in the dog.  This was until the man was given the gift of SAA.  As the man began his program, he began to see his own behaviors.  For so many years the pup and then dog made him angry.  Wait, it wasn't the dog at all.  It was this man's anger that he never learned to get in touch with.  As he continued to work his fourth step he had to take responsibility for his behaviors.  He began to feel guilt, shame and much remorse fo the little lost pup.  A new relationship has begun for this pair.  For the man came to know that this loveable pup was not his slave but a friend and companion.

My friend died on February 28, 1999 at 6:45 p.m.  I will surely miss my friend.  I love her with all my heart and I know God has given her a peaceful place to rest.  To my friend Tippy from Dale, I love you.
                                                                            ---Dale W.

At the meetings I used to attend in another part of the state there was a man named Jack who had been in AA a long time.  Whenever Jack recognized that he was trying to avoid the work of recovery from his sex addiction, he would quote an AA old timer he knew.  The guy used to say, "Most of us are just looking for an acceptable level of misery; we don't really want what the program has to offer."  Jack was honest enough to say that he stopped working the program when he went a few days without acting out.  He didn't want to do the work that would lead to the fruits of sexual sobriety; instead, he just wanted to feel a little "less bad."

I have to wonder about looking for an acceptable level of misery when I hear things people say in some of the meetings in this area.  These include half measures like: people with years in the program only managing a few weeks or months of clean time and admitting they white-knuckle it to get that far; people collecting tokens for years in the program rather than for years of abstinence from sexual acting out; people who sponsor others but who don't have sponsors themselves or have never worked past Step Three.  One other common misconception here is the confusion of therapy issues (building self-esteem, making "choices" about acting out, exploring childhood abuse or dysfunctional families) or religion issues (studying the Bible, having more faith, going to church more, getting saved) with recovery issues (abstaining from acting out, admitting powerlessness, developing a deeper spirituality, having the compulsion to act out lifted, developing healthy sexuality, doing Step work, sponsorship, carrying the message, or becoming more honest, open-minded and willing).

Since the Big Book is approved literature for SAA, let's look at what it teaches us about recovery and see where we might apply it.  The program tells us that sobriety equals abstinence plus on-going spiritual growth.  Abstinence from compulsive sexual behavior may seem impossible at first; then as we focus on Step 1 and immerse ourselves in the life of the program, it just begins to happen.  And the program goes farther, promising that if we work the Steps diligently, our addiction will be lifted.  In other words, if we work the Steps to get us into "fit spiritual condition" then the obsessive thinking about sex and the compulsive sexual behavior will stop.  The urge to act out is gone!  Our Higher Powers do this for us without our fighting the addiction (see Alcohoics Anonymous, pp. 84-85).  AA also suggests five key recovery behaviors: pray, call your sponsor, go to meetings, work the Steps and read program literature.  These are the basic activities that are the foundation of spiritual growth.

If we do these, we can count on our Higher Powers doing the rest.  It is clear, however, that abstinence from acting out is not optional.

There is the confusion of 12 Step recovery with therapy or religion.  Sometimes it is difficult to make distinctions because they overlap; still it is very important to see the differences.  Therapy is about gaining insight into our problems, mustering resources (including willpower) to change our behaviors and /or situations around us, with the ultimate goal of having more control over our lives.  In recovery, experience shows that neither insight nor our own actions stop addictive behavior and that the goal is surrendering control of our lives to our Higher Powers. Religion is about increasing the quantity of faith, growing in a particular religion-defined relationship with God, and often throwing a number of obstacles (includig willpower) between one's self and addiction or behavior that is considered sinful.  In recovery, we focus on the quality of faith (particularly honesty), finding a self-defined HP that is effectrive in helping one recover, and facing our addiction directly (Step 1) while developing a spiritual way of life (Step 2 through 12).  Both therapy and religion are good and important for life; however, they aren't the right tools for bringing about recovery from sex addiction.  For those who doubt this, look around at meetings; see if it is not true that the longest clean time and deepest serenity belong to those who focus on 12 Step recovery and let religion and therapy act in supporting roles.

Working this program leads to recovery -- full-fledged, abstinence-based, serene recovery; nothing else works as well.  Just as Jack knew he had to choose between getting a little less miserable or going through the work of recovery, so too does each one of us have to make a choice -- the program is truly all or nothing.  The misery of addiction is not a necessary component of life.  The "half-measures" listed above are signs of a little less misery, not recovery.  I encourage my brothers and sisters in SAA to be satisfied with nothing less than the full fruits of recovery from our common addiction.
                                                                        --Chris C.

RECOVERING COUPLES ANONYMOUS

RCA is a 12-Step program for those in a committed relationship who are seeking healing from the ravages of compulsive sexual behavior and associated sexual codependency.  You may leave a message for Bill D. at 317-545-9783 for meeting information.

CODEPENDENTS OF SEX ADDICTS

This 12-Step group offers its members a chance to heal from the effects of a friend's or family member's sexual addiction behavior.  For more information you may call 317-545-9783.

NATIONAL COUNCIL ON SEXUAL ADDICTION AND COMPULSIVITY

NCSAC is a private, non-profit organization dedicated to the promotion of public and professional awareness and understanding of sexual addiction.  It provides access to information and resources encouraging wellness for all those who suffer.  They will open their 1999 National Conference on Sex, Spirituality, and Joy to all interested parties.  The day will be Saturday April 10, 1999 in St. Louis, Mo.  Speakers include leaders in the recovery field such as Patrick Carnes and Pia Mellody.  You may call (770)989-9754 or visit their web page at www.ncsac.org.

"Fear is a question:  What are you afraid of, and why?  Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them."    -- Marilyn Ferguson

"I have a fear of being disliked...even by those I personally dislike." -- Oprah Winfrey

"Too many of us wait to do the perfect thing, with the result we do nothing.  The way to get ahead is to start now.  While many of us are waiting until conditions are 'just right' before we go ahead, others are stumbling along, fortunately ignorant of the dangers that beset them.  By the time we are, in our superior wisdom, decided to make a start, we discover that those who have gone fearlessly on before, have, in their blundering way, traveled a considerable distance.  If you start now, you will know a lot next year that you don't know now, and that you will not know next year, if you wait."  -- The William Feather Magazine

Body & Soul (Sexuality on the Brink of Change) by Anne Stirling Hastings

Step back from what you have been taught about sexuality and learn something new from this remarkable book.  The author boldly states our culture is sexually addictive and as such molds its citizens into shameful and unhealthy sexual interactions with each other.  Included in this timely book is information on how your sexuality can be healed and shame removed outright instead of merely avoided.  The subject matters discussed cover a wide spectrum of interests.  It is plainly written and easily understood.

Character (1997 120 mins) - Jan Declair, Betty Schuurman

A young lawyer brutally murders a prominent civil servant.  The victim is the lawyer's father and that makes the case even more shocking.  So starts a remarkably told story of a young man's struggle to free himself from his emotionally distant mother and shaming, controlling father.  This interesting period piece, set in 1925 Holland, is powerfully honest and thought provoking.  It is a precise and ultimately positive study of the ill effects shame and rigid boundary settings have on self-esteem.  This film won the 1997 Oscar for Best Foreign Film.  It is subtitled.

IISAA 1999 MONTHLY MEETINGS

April 10            Canary Cafe
May 8               Intersection of Ft. Wayne & Alabama Sts.
June 12             Indianapolis, IN (4-6 p.m.)

IISAA 4TH ANNUAL ONE-DAY WORKSHOP

May 1               Christ United Methodist Church - Indianapolis, IN

MEN'S CHRISTIAN RETREAT

April 16-18        John XXIII Center, Hartford City, IN

MICHIGAN RETREAT

March 19-21     Colombiere Center, Clarkston, MI

IISAA ANNUAL FALL RETREAT

October 29-30  Camp Pyoca, Brownstown, IN

These are other helpful websites for those in recovery.

Patrick Carnes - Leader in sex addiction recovery
CoSA - Codependents of Sex Addicts (this web site is maintained by CoSA in Michigan)
SA - Sexaholics anonymous
NSO CoSA - National Service Organization of Codependents of Sex Addicts
SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous (International Service Organization)
SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
SCA - Sexual Compulsives anonymous
RCA - Recovering Couples anonymous

Check-In
PO Box 20834
Indianapolis, IN 46220
Phone: (317)545-9783
Fax: (317)783-0064
Email: iisaa@noldo.pair.com